Again, I am in this place where everything seems upside down. What once made me happy really doesn’t anymore and I fear that even with time this desire will not return. I find myself thinking of the days when nothing was this complicated and everything was simple and I didn’t delve into situations that had serious consequences. How is it that I have let myself get in this position again? Not only am I hurting myself but I am hurting the people closest to me as a direct result. They did absolutely nothing to deserve this. They have only been supportive and everything nice towards me and would never go out of their ways to hurt me. I’m not helping myself so it’s no wonder everyone gets frustrated with me. I honestly don’t know how to stop this. Why I continue to invest my time and energy and emotions into this situation I don’t really know. Every single time I always come out the other side feeling second best. I’m always the one who is hurt and crying of a broken heart. I see that this time is no different to any other time. I can see where this is headed and how, again, you are going to walk all over me and hurt me again. The worst thing about it is that you know that every time I have had enough and push you away again that in a few weeks or months I will always be back. You know that and you take that and abuse it. You are honestly destroying me. Every time this happens another part of me is destroyed and I fear there is only so more much of this that I can take.
There is a fair chance that I am going to relapse a bit tonight. Everything is piling up on top of me and I just feel like it is literally too hard to handle. I now feel completely trapped and unable to go anywhere. This is where I used to put everything but now I can’t for the fear it might be read by someone I don’t want to. It’s killing me. It’s literally tearing me apart. I honestly feel like everything is swelling up inside and I am about to burst. Anxiety and depression please go away. Now is definitely not the time or place.
the actual, physical ache you feel in your chest and in your bones when you’re so sad is fucking awful.